CNN reports the following:
Air Force chief: Test weapons on testy U.S. mobs
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Nonlethal weapons such as high-power microwave devices should be used on American citizens in crowd-control situations before being used on the battlefield, the Air Force secretary said Tuesday.
I guess this is a part of an "America First" policy which places your average American Mob in a position to benefit from our technology before it's exporting elsewhere.
Wow, we'll basically make other countries feel better about this because we microwave our own. Dear reader, this should make you more comfortable.
The object is basically public relations. Domestic use would make it easier to avoid questions from others about possible safety considerations, said Secretary Michael Wynne.
"If we're not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a wartime situation," said Wynne. "(Because) if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press."
What's the setting for this non-lethal weapon, defrost?
I'm basically at a loss on the definition of a mob, so I consulted a dictionary which says:
1 : a large or disorderly crowd; especially : one bent on riotous or destructive action
2 : the lower classes of a community : MASSES, RABBLE
3 chiefly Australian : a flock, drove, or herd of animals
4 : a criminal set : GANG; especially often capitalized : MAFIA 1
5 chiefly British : a group of people : CROWD
I'm not entirely comfortable with 2,3 and 5. Number 3 (flocks) would be the '70's version of a pale grey meal not entirely appealing or cooked thoroughly.
Let's look at all of them;
- Number 1 - I haven't see to many mobs in real life other than the LA riots after the Rodney King verdict, but the LAPD basically watched it happen. I guess since the majority of participant's where already pleasantly browned, the need did not exist to microwave them, even if they had the technology at the time.
- Number 2 - This clearly applies to State Fairs, Rib-fest America, Monster Truck Rallies and Black Expo. Er, this can't be good.
- Number 3 - Well, I'd always thought you couldn't do anything but defrost, baked a potato, reheat a casserole or make popcorn with a microwave oven. Looks like the browning dilemma has been solved.
- Number 4 - How in the hell could you do this? I've never heard of a "Criminal Enterprise" seminar or convention. The only remotely plausible thing I can imagine is the Mafia gathering in an Italian restaurant (Like on TV).
- Number 5 - Deeply troubling. This describes:
- A Dave Matthews Concert
- A sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond
- Christmas Carolling
- Shakespeare in the Park
Sorry, I don't like the idea of microwaving people. I'm certain I'm not taking this out of context because the technology to do this was planned and he thought enough about this to speak publicly on the subject.
Remember when microwave ovens came out in the '70's? People tried to zap everything, eggs exploded, canned biscuits became huge and old lady's with dogs and cats tried to dry them after a bath. All results were horrible. Apparently this Air Force Officer never got over the desire to see what else he could microwave.
Still, the fact remains their is only two thing that rings true. People need a $300 dollar appliance to make popcorn. It's the only thing microwaves do well other than communications around the globe at "line of sight."
Remember, a microwave oven cooks foods by exciting the molecules from the inside out. How can this be "non-lethal?"
My question is this; Why is the Air Force secretary suggesting this at not Barney Fife, and what is his definition of a "mob?"
In most cases, the evil scientist always test the serum or device on themselves first. I think we should stick to the plot device. Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) did it in "The Fly" as well as Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) in "Hollow Man." Deviating from this plan is madness, madness I tell you.
The next time you happen to be a part of a mob, take a hot-pocket with you.
I suspect the next button on the microwave will be...
"Submission"
