Greeting Cards

They are everywhere. You can purchase them in markets and find online Internet greeting cards. In a few seconds, over the Internet, you can wish people well, regardless if they want to be wished well or not. I'm a big fan of online greeting cards because I can filter them out of my inbox easily.

It used to be that cards covered you standard events, like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. They seems to have been a market explosion in the greeting card industry when they discovered they could extend it even further by having cards for graduations and salutations to every conceivable member of your family.

To my 13th cousin on my mothers side, twice removed, on your birthday

Being the practical person I am, I would rather buy a generic white greeting card with a bar-code on it. I could customize it to convey my personal feelings. Yea, it could simply be a homemade card, but it really shows you care by the fact you have spent money and inconvenienced yourself enough to say "I care." Nobody wants a homemade card, they want you to prove you suffered getting it. Nothing says "I Love You" like a $2.00 card.

My eternal love,

You mean more to me than the moon and stars. I cannot express the value of your existence to me other than by this card.

Dearest Grandchild, on your Thirty fifth Birthday,

MawMaw doesn't have the time to see you anymore please spend this dollar on yourself, it would make me happy. Please write soon.

Cards are saturated with guilt and remorse, but it's the thought that counts. That's the brilliance of this idea, greeting card companies have perfected a way to squeeze profit out of thoughts. I'm looking at the numbers and anything over the cost of zero for a thought is COLD HARD CASH reader. It's diabolical that corporate interests have basically captured the very mind of mankind. You cannot adequately express emotions without purchasing a freaking card.

Why didn't I think of this? I did, 25 years ago, but the thought of it would have set me back two dollars. Two dollars I didn't have at the time. Another missed opportunity.

I'm sure there are already kiosks that can create cards on demand, provided you can sift through the myriad options to deliver a truly customized card.

Dear NAME or RELATIONSHIP,

I would like to extend my FEELINGS to the OCCASION on your EVENT.

With LOVE,

YOURNAME

Truly amazing that technology allows us to express our emotions through a menu system.

Most cards already have well crafted sentiments that express the gamut of human emotions. If the card truly expresses how you feel, you're left with just signing the card. In a crunch it's difficult to top what's already there. I often add "Everything this says times infinity." They may have crafted a verse better than I, but I made it better. It really pisses me off when they include the "with love" or "Sweetheart" part because it takes away any sentiment or endearment I have. They've done it for me. It says "You are too stupid, just sign the fucking card, idiot."

I strongly suspect these companies will further extend their nefarious reach by extending greetings cards to every facet of life, like the Orwellian dystopic vision of 1984's "Thought Police."

I can imagine it reaching into other areas like,

Congratulations on your son's release from prison

Wishing your daughter a speedy recovery from her abortion

Maximum security is just another way to pass the time, enjoy it

Relax, we are all chained to credit card debt!

Congrats on your new Volvo, we have one too, The Jones's

Help, I'm being forced into writing greeting cards in a corporate prison!

Thanks for fighting the forces of Freedom and Liberty, D. Cheney

Nice blow-job last night, your friend, Pastor Tom Haggard

To our newest neighbor, welcome to the community and take that damn boat out of the driveway

I really enjoyed the time we spent together last night, it was a special moment for me, the passion was overwhelming. I simply forgot to tell you, please seek medical attention immediately. Center for Disease Control Form 6969.

Whatever this Jewish holiday is called, hope it's cool dude.

Sup Dawg! Yo rapz wuz da shitz. Peace out. Props to God.

I sincerely appreciate your being my first negro friend, it really makes me feel better about myself. Your new "cracker" Jeffrey

To my dear friend, the Prime Minister of Iraq. Get well soon. Dubya.

Wishing you and your family the merriest of holidays, I mean Christmas damn it. Bill 0'Reilly

To our coven, Spring Equinox is a very special time on year to celebrate our pagan practices, blessed be!

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, Sincerely, Newt Gingrinch

Thanks for coming out of the closet and killing your father. We wanted grand-children and we get this? I know it's just a phase, Mom (Dad says your out of our will)

I know you are hurting for a fix man, but there is always methadone. A fellow heroin addict. (Can you spot me a nickel?)

Think about the freedom to express yourself in person, not because some big greeting card company wants you to do it "their way."

For the love of humanity, think twice about buying these things.

With warm wishes and happy thoughts...

Your biggest fan
XOXOXO

For a change

The new face of corporate branding. Make people feel good about buying.

Put a different kind of change in your pocket.

If you purchase a "Special Edition" red Apple iPod you can help save Africa. Yeah, part of your money goes to fighting AIDS in Africa. You can justify your purchase of the device knowing you are doing the world good. I'm certain Apple is using the money to do just that and they are trying to do good. Aids is an issue to be sure, but so is poverty, which I'm sure is a contributory factor to the crisis. I'd be more inclined to help people closer to home (If I were inclined to help anyone at all) maybe a poor, white Appalachian child, who's more apt to become a coal miner. Producing coal miners is more likely than the number of Dolly Parton's cranked out in this region. Unfortunately, the system needs more coal miners than Dolly's because of the Dollywood power requirements and the energy required to make false eyelashes and wigs. It's not fashionable to help a small white child because we seem to be the root of all the world's social and economic ills. Or so I've been told.

Anyone in sales (the devils minions) knows people don't buy on needs, but wants. Buying is based on emotions. Corporations now use this on a far more personal level, the "social conscience and/or awareness" factor. You can feel good about being a consumer. "I'm changing the world for good by buying products and services." Bullshit! I think it's an insidious ploy. I missed the "Live Earth" concert and the millions of watts of electricity used to save millions of watts of electricity for a cleaner tomorrow. If they used solar power and horse drawn carriages I'd really feel good about the movement. I'm a carbon unit, save me.

I recently read United States citizens gives more money to organizations that most other countries in the world. I suppose it's the imagined "disposable income" we have. Most people buy consumer goods on credit. I can't think of or know of anyone that pays the balance at the end of the month. That 19%+ interest is doing good for the credit institutions for sure. I also believe the majority of donations actually go for managing the organization supplying the funds. Somebody at American Express needs a Jaguar! You're on it and you can change the world while he drives it.

The catch is you are buying a "red badge of courage." You could simply send the same amount of money Apple is donating per purchase, but nobody wants to see your receipt. If you show them your "Special Edition iPod," you can "make a statement." It sells the idea that you care more than most. The starry-eyed covetor can relish the idea they could keep up with you and get one too. Save the World my friend! Shit, you could buy the U2 iPod. We all know consumer goods tell people "who you are" and your your status! "I LOVE U2! I'm a unique individual that cares! My purchasing power and the level of debt I'm willing to incur tells the world who I am!" I'M FUCKING HIP BABY, I CARE AND I'M READY TO BREED! Gap jeans really top it off.

Actual text from the Apple site:

Sound affects.
You make choices every day, from the clothes you wear to the music you play. Now making a choice means making a difference. That’s because proceeds from every iPod shuffle, iPod nano, or iTunes Gift Card iPod RED sold go directly to the Global Fund to fight AIDS in Africa.

I guess it goes hand in hand with the "Music can change the world" idea. Music doesn't change the world.

A musical key:

Country: I suffer because my spouse cheated on me. Whoa is me.
Rock: I'm going to get that bitch back, drink and do drugs to excess and cheat on her.
Blues: My wife cheated on me, she's wrong, shit happens.
Soul: Love, party, dance. Nothing else matters, really.
Rap: Fuck the hoes, I'm great, I rhyme, kill the man. Tap and/or cap that ass.
Show Tunes: I'm gay... Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain!
World Music: I'm a lonely foreigner desperately trying to maintain my culture.

Popular music only tells a fragmented story to a third person, as simple as possible. Verse, chorus, verse. Maybe a bridge and a time change. Change the world, right! If anything changes it's the key. Songs that attempt or do make political statements only remind me there's shit I can do about it.

About those ribbons. Is success determined by the number and colors of ribbons on your lapel? I honestly don't recall if the yellow ribbon or my breakfast cereal fights hate crimes. I need a ribbon color chart. Thursdays I wear the pink ribbon. Sometimes I mix them up to let people know I care about everything, but truthfully I can't do anything.

"It's about raising awareness man." My awareness is raised to such an unbelievable level I've almost lost self-awareness. I'm aware that somewhere a baby seal is being clubbed. I think it's called food. If a family member was being clubbed, I'd be more concerned, sorry.

When I was a not-so wee lad (teenager) having a car meant having a girlfriend. No car, no date. My car or lack of one denoted my breeding status. An automobile helps in being genetically successful. Unfortunately, I drove a beat up rusted Toyota pickup truck. I was more likely to be successful in trailer parks because I could take them to Wal-Mart (Buy American!). Woman of low or no social standing are more apt to "put out." You may breed future carney's and construction workers; results may vary. Actually, most women will "put out" if you display your income with flashy products. A commitment may also be required. Today, you can get those hip urban girls that wear black clothes and trendy square eyeglasses (hint: They look like those trendy guys who wear black clothes and trendy square eyeglasses) by owning a Hybrid car. Having a tattoo helps, especially Chinese or Kanji characters that actually mean "ox" rather than "love." I have a 'Grateful Dead' tattoo; it says 'Grateful Dead.' I got it on sale in an non-sterile shop in Tongduchon Korea. Later, I discovered the Grateful Dead has awesome improvisational music, but no longer touring. Damn. I have all these blank cassette tapes now.

Who doesn't want to save the whales, feed the poor, fight for civil rights, etc? Hell, that's a lot of responsibility. If I save a whale will I inadvertently starve a child? Do I play god and decide who lives and dies by my purchasing power? Shit, I can't save everyone! I'm on a budget! Breast cancer or colons? I'd go for colons because most people only have one asshole. Why do I need to make these choices? I like boobs more than assholes but it's about priority (read that again, yea it's a tough choice). Can you catch cancer by anal sex? I don't want to find out. Would it be wrong to try and save myself before I attempt to save others?

If I had a million dollars I could litter my house with products that would relieve others of their ills, but I'd end up a shallow, self-absorbed materialist. Who helps shallow materialists? Who comes to the aid of uptight white urban housewives trapped in unloving marriages with husbands who are emotionally distant? Who helps the man who has everything, including a social climbing trophy wife that nags him constantly and resorts to hiring prostitutes just to talk to? In case you're wondering, it's lawyers. Who helps the Attorneys who challenge the system for fairness and social equity? That would be Mom and Dad who wished they'd get a partnership at a real law firm.

I hear "God helps those who helps themselves." Come on people and pull your weight! White people are paying the fucking worlds bills and gay people are adopting babies nobody wants. The list goes on. Jesse Jackson is helping blacks by twisting the arms of corporations to ensure they're seen as a affirmative action Negros rather than a human capable of doing the job. Mexicans are doing the jobs middle class teenagers wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Everyone is doing everyone else's job but not there own. What gives?

"Dad, I want a red iPod to help the African AIDS epidemic." Dad wants the kids to get a job and buy it themselves. Dad is saving the world, but being a white Caucasian male is also destroying it.

I'd really like to do my part and save the world (from itself it seems). Here's a short list:

1. Genocide in Darfur
2. Bring democracy to Iraq
3. Global Warming
4. Little Maria in Ecuador
5. Buy a Toyota Prius for a clean Earth
6. Recycle...
7. Homeless people
8. Feral cats
9. Israeli victims of Palestinians bombers
10. Palestinians killed by IDF
11. Western Society
12. Civilization in general
13. From people who hate freedom (and democracy and liberty)
14. Whales
15. Dolphins in tuna nets
16. Cows in cramped stalls used for veal
17. Shaving kits for soldiers
18. Build homes for soldiers
19. Save the spotted owl
20. Drilling in Alaska
21. Don't drill in Alaska
22. Breast Cancer
23. Second hand smoke

If I give just one dollar for everything on the list I'm out 23 dollars and each dollar is never enough.

Anyone ever notice everything that's fucked up with the world is either a) the government b) industry, but it's our responsibility to fix it? How does an industry that uses third world labor and pollute the environment going to "give back?"
Bono. We usually have Bono reminding us of this fact. He seems to see himself as the conscience of the world. That little voice that's not in your head, it's Bono.

Bono asks for silence during a concert and starts to slowly clap his hands and says, "Every time I clap my hands an African child dies." A Scotsman in the crowd yells, "Well stop clapping your hands you arse!"

I'm not buying it. The whole idea or the product.

If I were Steve Jobs

• I'd buy a textile factory in Asia to make black turtle-neck sweaters to my exact specifications.
• I'd have my office painted white along with a single chair, also white.
• The boardroom would be painted as a blue-screen to allow Pixar to change scenery upon a "streaming media event."
• I would never wear the same sweater twice.
• I would be careful not to spend money on the vending machine as the cost is equal to my yearly salary from Apple; $1.00.
• I would implant the prototype version of the iPod shuffle, smaller than a grain of sand under my skin. Music to go, anywhere.
• My 30,000 square foot home would only have one room. Less is more.
• My chef would also be Jonathon Ives. Each item of my dish would follow the principles of "form and function" and sound industrial design.
• Each time I had sex I would introduce the "Next Big Thing."
• I'd start off every sentence with, "Just one more thing."
• Make sure all my ice cubes followed the form factor of the G4 cube along with the Apple logo.
• Each sentence would end with "That's the stupidest thing I've heard."
• Have a team of people who continuously work on updating the Apple logo.
• Ensure everyone on the Apple campus doesn't listen to Beatles music from Apple Corp.
• Make an application called "iPresentation." It uses presentation loops, like Garageband uses music loops, for building spoken presentations the Apple way.
• Make a personal computer shaped like a toaster to fulfill my vision of having an Apple computer in every house like a toaster.
• Every child of mine would be named "Lisa" regardless of gender.
• Being on the board of directors at Disney/Pixar I would change Mickey's colors to a polished blue bevel effect.
• Goofy would be referred to as the "intellectually challenged dog."
• My Gulfstream Jet would be painted with high contrast colors, like an iPod commercial.
• I would ensure ambient lighting was used in every room of the Apple Campus to ensure no object or person would cast a shadow.
• I would ensure Mac OS X had so many cool features it would be useless. It would simply be an experience akin to taking acid.
• I would market a line of clothing to the general public which looks exactly like mine, yet only came in my size to keep costs down.
• I would write my autobiograhy, which would only be a forward following by 300 blank pages.
• My entire iMovie library only consists of other peoples family I do not know.
• I would have a staff dedicated to creating my music with GarageBand. Each loop would be recorded by U2.
• Make a quarter scale reproduction of the Apple Campus at Disneyworld.
• Ensure Michael Eisner is my gardener.
• Make a car than plugs into an iPod as an accessory rather than the iPod being the accessory.
• Make a line of lollipops that looked like Apple icons. They'd truly be "lickable."
• Trademark "Digital Lifestyle" and patent the idea of using electronic devices for any purpose. I would then own the world (except Amish communities).
• Feverishly work to try to make an iPod simple enough for Dubya to use.
• A section of the iTunes music store would carry a collection of "Bushisms."