Evil; It's not as bad as you think

Evil always does a decent job marketing itself, although it does a good job of selling itself without it. Kinda like a major soft drink, they are number one, but they still advertise. It's to maintain the lead over the competition. Still, evil must appeal to new audiences to further broaden it's market share.

What's one way to this? Create a motto!

• Evil, it's not as bad as you think.
• Evil, just do it.
• Got Evil?
• SHIFT_evil
• Evil: It's what your body needs
  
• "Just use the Evil Button"

Well, motto's are great to a point, but how to you build a case for success? Testimonials.

"With evil, I increased my profits overnight, by eliminating the competition!"
-- Ice Water, independent Drug Dealer

"Evil allowed me more time with my family."
-- Grandmother in Rapid Cit, MI

"I was stuck in a job full of people with professional ethics making a paltry living. Now I do what I love and the money just rolls in."
-- Mr. Lay, CEO

"As a preacher, I often wondered what Jesus did during his life. Evil showed me it doesn't matter what Jesus did, but to ask 'what would he do now'. As long as I can make my point and increase revenue for the collection plate. Let's face it, Jesus wasn't strong in finance, but Evil is"
-- Well known T.V. Evangelist

"Evil helped us put a positive spin on Carbon Monoxide. Our clients now see it's benefits. Thanks Evil!"
-- S. Smith, Oil Executive

"Using the techniques described in the 'Inner Dialog: It's all about me' audio tape. I turned charitable contributions into executive office furniture.
-- Former Senator's wife.

"Once we realized the Constitution was an out-dated document which didn't apply to our times, it hit me, Evil Just Works!
-- U.S. Attorney General

"I can finally afford the home improvements I've always wanted using a match and of course, a little evil."
-- Alberque NM Homeowner

"Evil was the principle force in helping us maximize our profit margins using third-world labor."
-- Althletic Shoe Manufacturer

"Evil made me a decider. It showed me how to convince people that parts I like in constitution are all that really matters, not the parts they like. Evil helps me spread liberty."
-- Evil user, Washington D.C.

"Listen, good works don't always elect politicians, sometimes you need to use a little Evil to do what you think is good. It helps turn campaigns around by providing flipping the issue on the opponent. I recommend it.
-- Political Adviser

"I hold public office because evil helped finance my campaign, and I sat on the ethics committee! I got in a small bind, but hey, I'll simply use more evil."
-- Retiring Politician

"Studies show Evil is 33% more likely to succeed than good in achieving measurable results."
-- Leading University Study

We could approach it like a prescription drug:

"If you are like the millions of people who suffer from an active conscience try Evil. Evil puts you back on the wrong track."

"I always felt tired and concerned for other peoples well being. Not anymore! Get Evil!"

"It you suffer from decreased sexual drive, with Evil and a steady regime of strangers, you'll be back in the saddle again."

"I'm a doctor, I have seen the benefits of evil at my practice and recommend it to all my patients."

Disclaimer: Evil may result in eternal damnation, Loss of spiritual direction, temporary euphoria, and explosive diarrhea. Evil may be addictive. A sense of ethics may interfere with Evils effectiveness. Ask yourself if Evil is right for you.

An Infomercial:

"Look at this side by side comparison. Good clearly takes longer than Evil to produce income. Looks like I'm going with Evil."

"You ask, 'Evil is basically fear and doubt, why can't I make it at home?' Good question; While Evil is made from these basic building blocks, it's actually a proprietary blend. Listen, you can get fear and doubt anywhere, but we throw in uncertainty at no additional cost."

"Our competitors product, Good, works well also. Do you have the time and energy to wait for results? No! Evil works by clearing your conscience in minutes. Try that with Good."

Find a better product and we'll offer a free refund (excluding any karma already produced by Evil).

See, evil feels good, looks good and sounds good. Evil frees you from making sound decisions. Why bother with facts? Evil makes irrational thought work. Need to hate? Evil is there. It feeds the ego. You don't have to care, Evil cares for you. Evil is free and makes money. Evil is easy. Stolen wealth feels better than earned wealth.

Evil has a downside, but screw it! Worry about that later. Evil is about now! Success may be temporary, but I you need something to fill that hole now. Your shadow is hungry, it needs food, feed it. Good acts and forgiveness take time you don't have.

Stuff will fall apart and you'll eventual get what's coming. You be embarrassed and all, but then you'll appeal to the people you screwed to help you.

In case of emergency; Break Glass: Deny responsibility and shift the blame.

Evil makes ethical decisions and moral dilemmas vanish! It's like magic! If it's a tough one, use a little more. Evil can turn good people into evil ones too, if used in quantity.

Now this was simply humor gone awry. Good doesn't need a button, it's not as easy, but more rewarding. You don't need a "Good" button, it's inside you.

Sometimes it's easy to see, but it usually doesn't advertise itself as outlined above. The amazing thing is if it you attempt to fight evil too hard, you risk becoming evil yourself. Evil is always right, never wrong. Evil believes in the good cause. Evil will help you "fight the good fight."

Want to get rid of it? Expose it to the light. Want to maintain an evil free environment? Stay vigilant. Want to be free, don't buy into it.

Why?

At work one day I noticed a loud noise. I found that it was a machine used to sort envelopes. I wondered if the noise was in fact the ultimate goal of this device, which incidentally also provides mail sorting features, resulting in a benefit to the organization. I'm sure the discovery that the loud noise and array of gears used to produce said noise was a platform for an employee's advancement once he/she found the noise could sort envelopes. I have heard of people starting in the mail room and working their way up the corporate ladder. I can confirm this as fact.



Again I wonder. Is the effort to create a cool looking motorcycle using an internal combustion engine simply to provide a method of transportation or an exhaust note? Bewildered, I observe that it has another benefit. It simply is an object to park in the driveway while several people drink beer and discuss the exhaust note. The includes the tone, pitch and subtle nuances not perceived by others (especially neighbors and woman). This in fact appears to perform a social function among the male gender.

Are we a species driven by the pursuit of sound rather than the resulting function, simply to drive social networks and interpersonal relations?

Sound sparks genius to produce other devices which make sound, form communication techniques , stimulate the market, and complete the circle of life.

I tried to find an image of sound on Google Images for illustrative purposes, however, I could only find pictures of objects which produced them. Yes, I could have embedded a sound file, which is only a binary representation of sound via a magnetically induced medium. I feared the RIAA was take me to court as a result. People are very protective over this "sound" thing. They copyright sound patterns and indenture the people who make them to a lifetime of service (or until nobody wishes to hear that sound again) while offering a small pittance. All sounds must be paid for and usually the result of two objects being struck in unison. These objects are paid for and any recording of sounds may make you subject to litigation.

If you make enough noise, you'll get noticed.

Buddha Boy

So this 16 year old kid meditates under a bodhi tree for several months and then suddenly disappears.

"The boy's meditation and apparent 10-month fast attracted global attention before he vanished in March.

Large numbers of devotees flocked to see him to leave offerings. A massive search operation is still under way."

Where is the Buddha Boy! Well, he suddenly reappears. BBC has the video.

Bomjan's followers claim he was an incarnation of Lord Buddha who was born in Lumbini, in present-day Nepal, more than 2,500 years ago.

His followers say he has been meditating for 10 months without food or water and is immune to fire and snake bites.

But these claims have not been independently verified. Scientists were unable to examine the boy as his followers said it would disturb his meditation.

Interestingly:

"This unedited video was released by a committee managing Ram Bomjan's meditation site."

Managed by a committee? We all know committees produce fabulous results. What could possibly go wrong here?

Buddha Boy, we'll manage your mediative state and handle the press releases. You need to be focused on your Nirvana. Maurice will do your hair, Owen will ensure you have that respectful but disheveled "Incarnated Buddha" look. Nancy will contract Blackwater Security to ensure the faithful are kept at a comfortable distance. We've got the best team assembled for media relations.

Meanwhile Maurice is struggling over the hair. The "Mop Top" might be favorable for the English and early Beatles fans, but kind of dated. Regardless, the wrong product could be an issue. Choosing the right one is essential to his next appearance.

Surely the licensing of "Buddha Boy" figures and bodhi tree emblazoned yoga mats will not be overlooked. The contemporary stretch fabrics will yield to more traditional sarongs and saris. Suburban teens will no doubt be heavily factored into these trends. White kids will drop the "Gangsta" FUBU look and further criticize parents for being enmeshed in illusion. "Holy cow" toys that glitter will be manufactured for pretty little girls. Yeah, I know these are Hindu items but consumers won't care. Items will be made in China. I foresee designer miniature Buddhist altars available at Starbucks. I get crazy thinking about the market possibilities here. GET IN EARLIER! If you stall, you loose!

When Buddha Boy makes an appearance on Oprah, it's official; another Avatar has arrived. How will this effect the Dalai Lama, I don't know. I imagine the worst, it could drive him to drink and the underground opium bars. He'll put a pool cue other a patrons head screaming "I was the incarnation of Buddha, me! It was all mine until this upstart came along."

Would a returning Jesus be "handled" by a Rovian, Machivelli type? Would he need to be briefed on current events, the status of Christianity today, and current fashions? I'd imagine they would grill him on the issues before his appearence. Would he be booked on all the major talk shows? Featured in a casual setting with Elizabeth Vargas.

Vargas questions:

• What's next for Jesus, the man?
• Complete this sentence, "I would most like to change..."
• How would you respond to your critics?
• When was the last time you and Pat Robertson spoke?
• Should the U.S. take action against Chavez?
• How do you relax in your spare time?
• What are your goals in the next five years?
• Are you satisfied with the U.S. progress in Iraq?
• Any Oscar picks this year?

Of course, this is all in humor. The media would never pick up on this story because the "Missing White Woman," Tom Cruise or the "house with hundreds of unfed animals" would bump him back to a page 3 story. Most Christians wouldn't buy it because they would require him to meet the standards of Hal Lindsay and Tim LaHaye's books on the Apocalypse. "Nope, not the Christ, doesn't fit."

Almost nine months later, the Buddha Boy strikes again.