If I were Steve Jobs

• I'd buy a textile factory in Asia to make black turtle-neck sweaters to my exact specifications.
• I'd have my office painted white along with a single chair, also white.
• The boardroom would be painted as a blue-screen to allow Pixar to change scenery upon a "streaming media event."
• I would never wear the same sweater twice.
• I would be careful not to spend money on the vending machine as the cost is equal to my yearly salary from Apple; $1.00.
• I would implant the prototype version of the iPod shuffle, smaller than a grain of sand under my skin. Music to go, anywhere.
• My 30,000 square foot home would only have one room. Less is more.
• My chef would also be Jonathon Ives. Each item of my dish would follow the principles of "form and function" and sound industrial design.
• Each time I had sex I would introduce the "Next Big Thing."
• I'd start off every sentence with, "Just one more thing."
• Make sure all my ice cubes followed the form factor of the G4 cube along with the Apple logo.
• Each sentence would end with "That's the stupidest thing I've heard."
• Have a team of people who continuously work on updating the Apple logo.
• Ensure everyone on the Apple campus doesn't listen to Beatles music from Apple Corp.
• Make an application called "iPresentation." It uses presentation loops, like Garageband uses music loops, for building spoken presentations the Apple way.
• Make a personal computer shaped like a toaster to fulfill my vision of having an Apple computer in every house like a toaster.
• Every child of mine would be named "Lisa" regardless of gender.
• Being on the board of directors at Disney/Pixar I would change Mickey's colors to a polished blue bevel effect.
• Goofy would be referred to as the "intellectually challenged dog."
• My Gulfstream Jet would be painted with high contrast colors, like an iPod commercial.
• I would ensure ambient lighting was used in every room of the Apple Campus to ensure no object or person would cast a shadow.
• I would ensure Mac OS X had so many cool features it would be useless. It would simply be an experience akin to taking acid.
• I would market a line of clothing to the general public which looks exactly like mine, yet only came in my size to keep costs down.
• I would write my autobiograhy, which would only be a forward following by 300 blank pages.
• My entire iMovie library only consists of other peoples family I do not know.
• I would have a staff dedicated to creating my music with GarageBand. Each loop would be recorded by U2.
• Make a quarter scale reproduction of the Apple Campus at Disneyworld.
• Ensure Michael Eisner is my gardener.
• Make a car than plugs into an iPod as an accessory rather than the iPod being the accessory.
• Make a line of lollipops that looked like Apple icons. They'd truly be "lickable."
• Trademark "Digital Lifestyle" and patent the idea of using electronic devices for any purpose. I would then own the world (except Amish communities).
• Feverishly work to try to make an iPod simple enough for Dubya to use.
• A section of the iTunes music store would carry a collection of "Bushisms."

No fly paper

A seven year old boy appears on the "no-fly list."

If you are familiar with 7 year old boys you are no doubt aware they can be quite troublesome. If you consider the sneakiness of an international terrorist organization who's everywhere and nowhere at the same time, you have to ask yourself "Is this boy a terrorist?"

The beauty of the "No-Fly List" (NFL) is that it attempts to solve a problem and in turn creates a bigger one. This is classic government in action. People on the list primarily seem to be suspects. If they aren't suspect, then the entire machinery is broken because no action has been taken to question them. Maybe there isn't enough evidence. If there isn't enough evidence, why are they even on the list? Well, you need to have a list to show something is being done to prevent rogues from committing nefarious acts.

The DHS and other agencies who maintain the list can't understand more than one person can in fact have the same name. Sure, people working there know this, but they can't correct the policy for lack of authority. In little Michael Martin's case (seems to be a quite common name) you'd have to assume Martin is an old Arabic family name. If "Martin" isn't an Arabic name why would anyone with an English surname even be on the list? Yea, John Walker was an English name but this guy was clearly in the wrong place at the right time. If members are assuming English surnames the identity problem means anyone can be suspect, not just the terrorists.

Let's stick with Martin as a name and let's assume the name isn't that common, with only 10 Michael Martins spanning the globe exist. The lowest age range being 7 and the highest being 50. It appears age isn't a factor if the name matches. The diligent person who finds the name on the list can't conclude the boy can't possibly be a suspect being seven, but can't clear the name. All Michael Martins are suspect. The list is flawed because a yet to be born Michael Martin is on the list prior to birth. I would suggest parents use the NFL to ensure the name doesn't appear on it prior to naming the baby. The catch is not every suspect appears on the list for security reasons. The diligent clerk/agent can't screen potential threats because of "security issues" effectively rendering it useless also.

It's an established fact peoples identities are stolen for petty crimes. You'd have to imagine a member of a international terrorist organization couldn't possibly be stupid enough to use their real identity. Illegal immigrants steal or fabricate identities for themselves daily, but company's hiring them always maintain they can't verify the documents. It doesn't appear to be a threat used in this context. You can't have it both ways and it would make sense that an illegal immigrants use of a fabricated or stolen identity would be just as bad as a suspected terrorist. It isn't.

It appears the list pertains to more than "The Foundation." It would make more sense not to be all inclusive of every malevolent organization on earth.

"There is an Irish terrorist named Michael Martin who was convicted in 1995 of taking part in an Arizona smuggling ring that attempted to ship bomb detonators to the Irish Republican Army, according to the Memorial Institute for the Prevention of Terrorism, a nonprofit organization based in Oklahoma City. He was sentenced to 16 months in prison.

Whether he is the same Michael Martin on the no-fly list, federal officials won't say."

One thing about data in general, you'd learn this in Computer Science 101; "Garbage In-Garbage Out." If you don't manage the integrity of the data you get shitty data performing a query. There appears to be no method to validate the data, it just keeps getting bigger. The list is not a database, it's merely a pile of trash (or heap of shit). Assuming the terrorist isn't this stupid and uses a fabricated identity the list simply becomes a list of aliases. The alias will always match a real identity. If there was a real reason to suspect a one "Michael Martin" you'd be forced to include variations of it, like "Mike Martin" and every possible name/initial for a middle name.

"The TSA says the AirTran incident shouldn't have happened because airlines are responsible for "automatically" removing children from no-fly lists. Indeed, on its Web site, tsa.gov, the agency proclaims that placing children on such lists is a 'myth.'"

It appears there is a method to maintain the list, but it's in the hands of either the Airlines (civilian company?) or the TSA. You can't take a "common sense approach" it seems because it's apparent the government can't gauge common sense either. The process, if it works at all doesn't work in "real-time" and more names appear on the list everyday.

The most likely contributors to 9/11 were known to the "Able Danger" program. Somehow, most likely not due to the actual agents working the program, were told to drop or ignore the possible threats. A working program, staffed by professional agents with an active database was basically shit on and replaced with a flawed system. You cannot blame qualified agents who are committed to security but politicians who haven't a clue, but do have an agenda (whatever it may be).

Conclusions that can be drawn (If you try hard enough).

1. The list is flawed
2. The list was designed to obfuscate facts
3. The list is politically motivated.
4. All of the above.

I only speculate.

In a related but older story read what Floyd Rudmin has to say about statistical probability and the NSA wire tapping story.

One Percent Doctrine of your very own.

Ever hear of the 1% doctrine? It's also called "Cheney's Doctrine" and can be summed up as:

"Even if there's just a 1 percent chance of the unimaginable coming due, act as if it is a certainty. It's not about 'our analysis,' as Cheney said. It's about 'our response.' … Justified or not, fact-based or not, 'our response' is what matters."

Author Ron Suskind wrote the book "The 1% doctrine" that shed light on Cheney's rationale.

What happens when we apply this to everything? If there is a 1% chance...

• Windows Vista will work, upgrade.
• A ladder will result in a fall, don't use it.
• A woman thinks you are nice, propose immediately.
• You can make it home in a drunken stupor, drive.
• The Democrats will regain the majority, resign.
• You may use the "N" word, apologize to Jesse Jackson. Pre-emptively of course.
• You could commit a robbery and get away with it, do it.
• You could eat tainted spinach and survive, go for it!
• You could finish your reading while driving, finish the chapter.
• It's going to be cold outside, wear a heavy coat.
• You may be crazy, have yourself committed.
• If Howard Hughes may be your father, contest his will (May have to write it).
• A rattlesnake will not bite you, use it in a religious ceremony.
• A Project Manager has a clue, hire ten more of them. It'll increase the likelihood of the group being knowledgeable by 10%.
• A faithful, ambitious hardworking employee may make a mistake, fire them.
• Bush lied about anything, impeach him.
• You merely suspect someone is a.) homophobic; b.) racist; c.) atheist; d.) Damn near anything; viciously attack at criticize them.
• Apple Computers may use the Apple Logo for a music service AND you are Apple Corp. sue them.
• Christmas was originally a pagan holiday, don't celebrate it.
• The media is owned by 1% of the population disregard any news as propaganda.
• A major hurricane may devestate New Orleans, buy trailers and await a F5 tornado. (Which seems to be the logic behind FEMA).
• A country you invaded results in a civil war act, as if everything is going as planned.
• 9/11 was not investigated properly, call anyone who rejects the official story a conspiracy theorist.
• The bible is 95% unverifiable, consider it fact.

It seems the 1% doctrine would work at least 1% of the time. It's akin to betting everything you own on the three-legged, blind horse at the track. Sure, the winning would be great IF the horse One Short Twice Blind won, but most likely will remain in the stall. How does anyone, I mean anyone, come up with an idea like this and expect favorable results?

The 1% doctrine appears to be the playbook for qualifying for the Darwin Awards. If not, it could at least be the primary motivator to every intellectually challenged person's "Hey ya'll watch this!" routine. I guess there was a 1% chance a 78-year-old lawyer, Harry Whittington, was a quail, hence the shot was taken.

"It's not about 'our analysis,' It's about 'our response.'" -- Dick Cheney

I guess the most dangerous fucking thing you could do to a person who follows this doctrine is to give them a "Magic 8 Ball." Is the where the phrase "Behind the 8 ball" comes from(No)? Is it the primary policy maker in our 'war on terror?' Seems the 8 ball being used is specially crafted to only have favorable responses (PNAC manufacturing?).

You can play the 1% doctrine at home or work. See what you can come up with and "preemptively" attack.

Please stay away from magic 8 balls and fortune cookies. Your lifespan and mileage may vary.

Scent of a woman

In the "too ridiculous to be true" category, but is. Perfume that smells like pussy.

Vulva, "authentically natural vaginal flavor."

Questions:

• Will it smell like tuna and make you crave crackers?
• Will there be a "bearded" and "shaved" versions?
• How about a Glade plugin in the future?
• Who really wants to smell like a big pussy?
• Are woman harmed in the production of this product?
• Will you be followed around by animals in heat or drunken sailors?
• Does the smell of pussy go with a white wine?

It could be worse, "Colonge: Colon" would be an shitty idea for a fragance.

The pinnacle of Western Mankind's 21st century goals in the realm of ever expanding quest for consumerism is making a better pussy flavor? No doubt the "New Fragrance of pussy is 25% more flavorful, less fatting than regular pussy and can be carried anywhere you need a fresh zest of pussy" is made in...

CHINA

We are in deep fucking trouble people.

It's not about building a better mousetrap, but a better smelling pussy using cheap foreign labor sold through a German distributor.

I surmise it'll be offered at Trader Joes under the affectionate title "Three buck fuck" in the near future. It'll be a hit among drunken Frat boys and young women exploring their sexuality.

Who exactly is this marketed too? Women (who have pussies) no doubt have pussies that, well, smell like pussies. As a man I don't want to be considered a pussy nor smell like one for an extended period of time. Where do you put said perfume, on your finger? Why would anyone want their torso to smell like a women's dirty underwear? I have, in the course of life, met woman who've had "pussy odor" that rivaled a Chinatown fish markets and this was enough to suppress any sexual drive I had even under the influence of 150 proof alcohol.

Legal instrument: Headbutting police dogs

The Welsh police force is training its dogs to headbutt criminals rather than bite them, because politically correct - 'PC' - bosses are afraid that allowing the dogs to bite criminals will infringe their human rights!

Next story:

Head butting police dogs infringe upon human rights.

After that:

Police departments train K9's to counsel suspects prior to arrest.

After that:

K9 dogs retrained for clerical work and to answer 911 calls.

Yes, the former World Empire is so "Politically correct" they are also considering banning the use of ladders for fireman because of the risk of personal injury installing or checking smoke alarms.

Daily Mail "Firemen told their stepladders are just too dangerous"
The Times "New safety rule for firefighters:stay off that ladder"
Evening Standard "safety step as firefighters banned from using ladders"