At day at the DMV with Jesus

There seems to be a huge trend in Armageddon lately. We are in the last days. "Jesus is coming and he's going to be pissed" proclaimed a Chevy Vega I saw in the late 70's.

What if Jesus was already here? If so, how would we know for sure? Would he announce it? How would he be received?

Maybe this is an indication... There happens to be a guy who changed his name to Jesus Christ. Remember, Jesus Christ is a greek name for Yeshua and Christ is a title denoting "anointed." The person generally regarding under this name was closer to Yeshua Bar Josef (or Joshua, son of Joseph). In the Western World we know him as "JC." So what is the big deal with his choice of using the name? So anyway Jesus can't get a drivers license in West Virginia. Can you imagine Jesus Christ at the DMV?

Honestly. "Jesus, what does it take to get a license in West Virginia!" Well, it appears Jesus has a good idea of the difficulty, because it's going to take Washington's (The Feds) approval to recognize it. This is the same Washington who's current President is believed to be a "Man of God" by Evangelical Christians. Can't Bush swing into action to help out?

Okay, so what if this guy IS Jesus (Let's suppose). Yes, it hard to imagine a piece of mail that says:

To Jesus Christ, or Current resident.

Or another letter that says:

Dear Jesus, you have just 7 days to respond to this exclusive offer of a large print, leather bound Bible, which is destined to become a treasured family heirloom.

The person we know as Yeshua is barely known. The Canonized New Testament has very little to say of Jesus in his own words. Scholars and researchers ponder this daily. To some he is god incarnate, to others his power is shared with Mary, his mother. He is regarded as a myth from an earlier mystery religion (Mithraism), a father in Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" and a homosexual by others. People kill in the name of Jesus as well as offer kindness to a stranger in his name.

The real puzzle is text such as "The Gospel of Thomas" known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Now things really become interesting, because it challenges the last 2,000 years of what was believed to be known of him.

"Jesus said, "If your leaders say to you, 'Look, the (Father's) kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is within you and it is outside you."

His disciples said to him, "When will the kingdom come?" "It will not come by watching for it. It will not be said, 'Look, here!' or 'Look, there!' Rather, the Father's kingdom is spread out upon the earth, and people don't see it."

People are saying things contrary to what Jesus spoke. "He's coming!" is cried in a lot of churches nowadays. The fictitious 'Rapture' is believed to be the saving moment before the final destruction of the world, all believers are magically lifted into heaven. Whoops, it's a myth started by a cult in the 1800's.

Really, how would he be perceived by some of his so-called politically minded supporters if he returned today? Many, fundamentalists would say he'd be welcome with open arms. The Jesus of the Dead Sea Scrolls (Nag Hammadi) is quite a different person from the New Testament. I would venture to say he would be the sworn enemy of his so called supporters (Robertson, Falwell, O. Roberts, Swaggert, etc.). 

The Sanhedrin Council (yes, they were Jews but it wasn't the Jews fault per se) were the elder religious leaders in Judea. They orchestrated the conditions to have Jesus executed. A simple exile or beating wouldn't do. He defied the religious order of the day, that was a threat that was unforgivable.

Jesus taught people personal empowerment, freedom, liberation from tyranny and elevation of the human condition. The crime of ending the spell of illusion and breaking the veil of Maya was death. The system of fear, control, greed and profit would collapse as a result of his teachings. You would exit the 'Matrix.'

If the fake Jesus is having a hard time getting a drivers license, imagine what the real one would endure.

If I had to be anything I would be a Gnostic. I think Jesus was realist.

An idea whose time should never have come

A Jesus Pan:

"Holy images have been popping up all over... A grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary sold for over 17-hundred dollars on Ebay."

Proposed Infomercial: How much would you expect to pay, $17,000, $170 dollars? No! Just the low price of $29.99. But wait, we'll add an additional JesusPan AT NO COST. Why wait for a miracle, we've cut out the middle man! Have your 'miracle' today!

"- JesusPan is made from durable steel and topped with a non-stick coating.
- JesusPan is perfect for holiday meals
- Jesus Pan has been featured on Tonight Show with Jay Leno! "

"Imagine serving heavenly hotcakes at the next church breakfast."

"Worship at every meal with JesusPan!"

I suppose it's easier to make those holy pancakes than sit around waiting for a 'miracle' to happen. In all fairness, Mary has a grilled cheese with her image all over it, 'Bout time for Jesus to be represented here.

Of course the use of the "You saw it on TV!" logo is the reason that compels people to buy it, as if that makes the difference in your purchase decision.

Questions (as usual):

• Is this a complement to a WWJE (What Would Jesus Eat) meal?
• How do you get around the whole "graven images" issue?
• Does Jesus get a cut of the prophets, err, profits?
• What's next, plastic Holy Grail tumblers?
• A twelve cube ice tray with impressions of the apostles?
• Breath strips with a fish icon?
• A coffee cup with a image of Jesus that displays a cross when hot?

At what point does anyone come up with the idea the market needs a "JesusPan?" It's a bad idea and should never have seen the light of day. Being troubled with the idea of a 'durable steel' and a 'non-stick coating' of Jesus, I can comment no further.

Religious Monopoly: Don't go to Hell, Don't collect $200

How can it be done? Fact is, there is so much competition in the religious marketplace most people don't know where to begin. If life is getting you down or you simply can't understand your environment you are faced with a choice; Which religion is right for me? Do you need a religion right for you or a religion just for right now?

Monotheism or Polytheism? Do you prefer many gods or just one supreme being? If you accept polytheism how are you going to honor the endless pantheon of gods. Do you simply choose a favorite? What if a polytheistic friend has a god that can do cooler things than your god, can you upgrade?

Would the endless pantheon of pagan gods simply be facets of one god?

I suggest the biggest and most powerful god who can evoke the most fear and awe. The one that can banish you to eternal damnation, not the one that can only book a short term stay in the fiery pits of hell.

Honestly, could a loving god do this? Not likely.

Christianity is the most compelling. They have a savior that already payed the ultimate price for your sins (Even before you were born). Catholics, Lutherans, Baptist Protestants and the myriad of denominations to choose from all say the others are either wrong or worshiping the wrong god. If the former is fact and they are all right, then there must be many gods. They can't all be right unless this is true. Let's assume this is not true. Thankfully, it doesn't really matter which denomination you choose, you'll have the comfort of knowing the one that you choose is right for you. All others go to hell.

Maybe Jesus simply attempted to show you how to save yourself.

Making the sacrifice or "tithing"

Why does any god need sacrificial offerings, especially a supreme being? One could assume that god, being the creator, wouldn't need a gift of 20 dollars or less (Comes with a free gift made by indentured servants in a third world country, namely China, which is where god's WalMart factories are). These are questions you need not ask, besides you need the help, not the evangelist.

Maybe we could freely give the $20 to someone in need rather than the trickster.

I suspect the reality is that a supreme being is so busy maintaining the universe (Though being devoid of any life except Earth) he needs a third party marketing firm. This would be the likes of the TV evangelists who understand the strength of the religious free-market economy, want you to get the best deal possible. "You must hurry and accept the lord during this limited time offer. Put your hands on your TV (Apparently they can do this under a limited partnership) and submit to the will of the savior and accept you are a sinner or you'll end up in eternal damnation." Now that you have been saved by the miracle of a one-way visual communications device, you'll need to write a check. Upon receipt, you'll get the additional bonus of your check or enclosed prayer being prayed upon, further strengthening your salvation. The TV Evangelist need not open the letter for anything other than the check. He already knows your prayers and/or afflictions and will pray for them in bulk or have a designated representative do it for him.

I'm sure a supreme being is not dependent on a charlatan in a thousand dollar suit for money.

Of course he takes a cut of the profits (err, gifts) to maintain his god friendly amusement parks, shiny white chicklet teeth and well tailored Brooks Brothers suit. It takes money to spread the word of the lord.

But I'm certain the charlatan needs your sense of fear in order for the check to clear.

Speaking of the dis-incarnate emissary in generic terms, such as "the lord" implies an earthy title.

Why would a god or savior need a human title?

Things to consider

Your Sunday's mornings will be spent going to church unless something comes up. Take a few extra dollars for the collection plate. I suggest "palming" the cash to ensure people can't see how much you are actually giving. You most likely can go to Denny's, Cracker Barrell or Waffle House for Breakfast.

If you can't make it to church you better have a damn good reason. "I didn't see you in church last Sunday, everything okay?" Generally it means:

1. I was here why not you?
2. You are a "part-time" Christian.
3. You are on the path to hell

Also, you are going to deal with the inconsistencies of a loving and merciful god absolutely destroying anyone who opposes him. It may be somewhat challenging to know that an honored patriarch may be a drunkard, piss on walls, kill thousands of women and children, screw his daughters, set up his family members to be killed etc. Basically anything you did or wanted to do prior to be being saved. The difference is they are doing god's will, you weren't.

Generally the prophets did not do these things, but issued warnings to the nation of Israel. They were generally rejected and despised for doing so.

Space is limited. The small print

Okay, now you've discovered and/or accepted the latest and greatest version of Christianity and been "saved." You should be aware that in the end times (Which is always very close at hand) god is only going to save 144,000 of the "elect." This means you have to be that much better than the person next to you in church. You have to work your way up the ladder and quick because when the shit hits the fan, you got to be ready.

The book of Revelation may be completely misunderstood. Note the warning in the last verse.

And another thing

I think you have to believe that Jews are the "Chosen People" although they are responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus. They are also damned by god, until they accept Jesus as a Messiah (Doesn't appear to be likely as of this writing).

He challenged the religious community (Sanhedrin council) who taxed the shit out of the population whom also had to pay tribute to Rome. Truly a religion designed by committee.

Those Six days

It's accepted that the supreme being created the universe in six days. To you and me, that's 6,000 years. The bible (a collection of books canonized by the Roman Catholic Church, the others that did not fit the doctrine, being deemed heretical and omitted) is the word of god (although written by men) says "a thousand years is but a day to the lord."

Of course, it makes sense to think that a million years, or perhaps a trillion could be a day to a supreme being as well.

All religions seem to have a belief in a supreme deity and founded on peace. It's the practitioners that can be crazy. Consider I'm not criticizing Christianity at large, but the snake oil salesmen within the group.

Would you like your religion with or without a Messiah? You can supersize it with a $25 gift.