Religious Monopoly: Don't go to Hell, Don't collect $200

How can it be done? Fact is, there is so much competition in the religious marketplace most people don't know where to begin. If life is getting you down or you simply can't understand your environment you are faced with a choice; Which religion is right for me? Do you need a religion right for you or a religion just for right now?

Monotheism or Polytheism? Do you prefer many gods or just one supreme being? If you accept polytheism how are you going to honor the endless pantheon of gods. Do you simply choose a favorite? What if a polytheistic friend has a god that can do cooler things than your god, can you upgrade?

Would the endless pantheon of pagan gods simply be facets of one god?

I suggest the biggest and most powerful god who can evoke the most fear and awe. The one that can banish you to eternal damnation, not the one that can only book a short term stay in the fiery pits of hell.

Honestly, could a loving god do this? Not likely.

Christianity is the most compelling. They have a savior that already payed the ultimate price for your sins (Even before you were born). Catholics, Lutherans, Baptist Protestants and the myriad of denominations to choose from all say the others are either wrong or worshiping the wrong god. If the former is fact and they are all right, then there must be many gods. They can't all be right unless this is true. Let's assume this is not true. Thankfully, it doesn't really matter which denomination you choose, you'll have the comfort of knowing the one that you choose is right for you. All others go to hell.

Maybe Jesus simply attempted to show you how to save yourself.

Making the sacrifice or "tithing"

Why does any god need sacrificial offerings, especially a supreme being? One could assume that god, being the creator, wouldn't need a gift of 20 dollars or less (Comes with a free gift made by indentured servants in a third world country, namely China, which is where god's WalMart factories are). These are questions you need not ask, besides you need the help, not the evangelist.

Maybe we could freely give the $20 to someone in need rather than the trickster.

I suspect the reality is that a supreme being is so busy maintaining the universe (Though being devoid of any life except Earth) he needs a third party marketing firm. This would be the likes of the TV evangelists who understand the strength of the religious free-market economy, want you to get the best deal possible. "You must hurry and accept the lord during this limited time offer. Put your hands on your TV (Apparently they can do this under a limited partnership) and submit to the will of the savior and accept you are a sinner or you'll end up in eternal damnation." Now that you have been saved by the miracle of a one-way visual communications device, you'll need to write a check. Upon receipt, you'll get the additional bonus of your check or enclosed prayer being prayed upon, further strengthening your salvation. The TV Evangelist need not open the letter for anything other than the check. He already knows your prayers and/or afflictions and will pray for them in bulk or have a designated representative do it for him.

I'm sure a supreme being is not dependent on a charlatan in a thousand dollar suit for money.

Of course he takes a cut of the profits (err, gifts) to maintain his god friendly amusement parks, shiny white chicklet teeth and well tailored Brooks Brothers suit. It takes money to spread the word of the lord.

But I'm certain the charlatan needs your sense of fear in order for the check to clear.

Speaking of the dis-incarnate emissary in generic terms, such as "the lord" implies an earthy title.

Why would a god or savior need a human title?

Things to consider

Your Sunday's mornings will be spent going to church unless something comes up. Take a few extra dollars for the collection plate. I suggest "palming" the cash to ensure people can't see how much you are actually giving. You most likely can go to Denny's, Cracker Barrell or Waffle House for Breakfast.

If you can't make it to church you better have a damn good reason. "I didn't see you in church last Sunday, everything okay?" Generally it means:

1. I was here why not you?
2. You are a "part-time" Christian.
3. You are on the path to hell

Also, you are going to deal with the inconsistencies of a loving and merciful god absolutely destroying anyone who opposes him. It may be somewhat challenging to know that an honored patriarch may be a drunkard, piss on walls, kill thousands of women and children, screw his daughters, set up his family members to be killed etc. Basically anything you did or wanted to do prior to be being saved. The difference is they are doing god's will, you weren't.

Generally the prophets did not do these things, but issued warnings to the nation of Israel. They were generally rejected and despised for doing so.

Space is limited. The small print

Okay, now you've discovered and/or accepted the latest and greatest version of Christianity and been "saved." You should be aware that in the end times (Which is always very close at hand) god is only going to save 144,000 of the "elect." This means you have to be that much better than the person next to you in church. You have to work your way up the ladder and quick because when the shit hits the fan, you got to be ready.

The book of Revelation may be completely misunderstood. Note the warning in the last verse.

And another thing

I think you have to believe that Jews are the "Chosen People" although they are responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus. They are also damned by god, until they accept Jesus as a Messiah (Doesn't appear to be likely as of this writing).

He challenged the religious community (Sanhedrin council) who taxed the shit out of the population whom also had to pay tribute to Rome. Truly a religion designed by committee.

Those Six days

It's accepted that the supreme being created the universe in six days. To you and me, that's 6,000 years. The bible (a collection of books canonized by the Roman Catholic Church, the others that did not fit the doctrine, being deemed heretical and omitted) is the word of god (although written by men) says "a thousand years is but a day to the lord."

Of course, it makes sense to think that a million years, or perhaps a trillion could be a day to a supreme being as well.

All religions seem to have a belief in a supreme deity and founded on peace. It's the practitioners that can be crazy. Consider I'm not criticizing Christianity at large, but the snake oil salesmen within the group.

Would you like your religion with or without a Messiah? You can supersize it with a $25 gift.